What Happens If Christians Engage In Sex Before Marriage?

            The Bible mandates Christians to not engage in any sexual activity with the person of opposite sex, before marriage. But Christians are as imperfect as anyone, so it is quite possible that someone somewhere would engage in premarital sex. The question then is this, “What are the consequences for Christians if they engage in sex before marriage?”

            This powerful “sticky note” analogy depicts the damage inflicted upon the Christian during his/her casual sex escapades, “Casual sex is rampant in many societies. There is, in truth, no such thing as “casual” sex, because of the depth of intimacy involved in the sexual relationship. An analogy is instructive here. If we take a sticky note and attach it to a piece of paper, it will adhere. If we remove it, it will leave behind a small amount of residue; the longer it remains, the more residue is left. If we take that note and stick it to several places repeatedly, it will leave residue everywhere we stick it, and it will eventually lose its ability to adhere to anything. This is much like what happens to us when we engage in “casual” sex. Each time we leave a sexual relationship, we leave a part of ourselves behind. The longer the relationship has gone on, the more we leave behind, and the more we lose of ourselves. As we go from partner to partner, we continue to lose a tiny bit of ourselves each time, and eventually we may lose our ability to form a lasting sexual relationship at all. The sexual relationship is so strong and so intimate that we cannot enter into it casually, no matter how easy it might seem.” (Emphasis Mine).¹

            There are secular studies that speak against premarital sex. They reveal the likelihood of greater divorce rates and adverse health related behaviors for those who engage in premarital sex.

            Recent research reveals that students who had NO sexual contacts are out of harm's way than those who have had sexual contacts, “A new report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC), the first ever of its kind, examines a large and diverse array of high school students’ health behaviors according to their self-reported sexual activity…The report’s two major conclusions are quite stark: The virginal students rate significantly and consistently better in nearly all health-related behaviors and measures than their sexually active peers…”²

            Women who had NO sex partners before marriage are highly unlikely to divorce, “That women who married in the 2000s were least likely to divorce if they had no sex partners before marriage, at a rate of approximately 6 percent. That’s almost divorce-proof. Even just one sex partner before marriage moved up a woman’s chances of divorce within five years of marriage to one in five chances, at a 20 percent rate.”³

            Presence of secular studies arguing against sex before marriage is a bonus. But for a Christian, God and HIS Word are of utmost value than any pertinent information presented by secular research (either for or against).

            The Bible mandates Christians to not engage in sex before marriage (Exodus 22:16-17; Deuteronomy 22:28-29; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10: 7; 1 Corinthians 6: 12-20; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Hebrews 13:4 et al.). So premarital sex is a definite no-no for a Christian.

            In their work, Purity Under Pressure, Neil T. Anderson and Dave Park emphasize the following consequences for premarital sex from the Christian standpoint. Here is an excerpt from their work:⁴

            Sex before marriage has the potential for STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases), pregnancy and abortion, which are despicable in God’s sight.   

             Self-destructive behavior - As a Christian, when you engage in premarital sex, you are consciously sinning against God.  This can lead to a perpetual cycle of self-destruction.  You develop low self-esteem, low self-worth, and diminished expectations of yourself.  In many cases, the devastation that comes from giving a holy thing (your body, the temple of the Holy Spirit) to an unholy cause, (physical gratification outside of marriage) will lead to feelings of emptiness, embarrassment, and confusion.  You begin to question everything about yourself and the world, as you know it…Many students’ grades drop and they lose interest in things that they once enjoyed…

            You develop “soul ties” - Your soul joins with the soul or souls of those you have had sex.  We will call these “soul ties,” because your soul is actually being tied or entangled together with the soul of the person you had sex.  Think of it this way, when you get on an airplane you are usually allowed a piece of carry on luggage to keep items you will need during the flight accessible.  Soul ties can be considered carry-on luggage.  It is unwanted, hindering, emotionally draining baggage that attaches itself to your soul everytime you sexually involve yourself with someone outside of marriage…

            You get involved with the wrong crowd- 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “bad company corrupts good morals.” Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can hang around sexually active people who drink and not be influenced by their actions. 

            Bad reputation - The word is out.  You have had sex.  You quickly get labeled “easy,” “loose,” or “a sure bet.”

            Insecurity / Loss of trust - You become jealous and begin comparing your body to other girls’ bodies.  You are always worried some other girl will steal your boyfriend from you.  Life becomes very stressful. You don’t even trust yourself to do right and control your own body, how can you trust someone else?  After having sex I was a wreck.  Whenever I would go out with my boyfriend I would accuse him of starring at other girls.  Though at times he was looking, many times I was just overreacting out of insecurity.

            Object of Rumors/Gossip - Many times pre-marital sex causes you to become the subject of rumors.  “Did you hear about so and so?”  “I heard they did this and that on the corner of here and there.”  Who needs that drama?  You certainly don’t.

            Emotionally Unstable (a.k.a. Fatal Attraction) - You develop irrational responses to ordinary situations.  Crying, fear, stress, depression, apathy, isolation, and hopelessness crowd your mind and cause your emotional growth to be stifled.  You have no clue what you want anymore.  One minute you are in love, the next minute you are disgusted by the very sound of his voice.   

            So to conclude, here’s what Christians ought to do if they have lost their virginity before marriage, “…is there hope? When a Christian engages in premarital sex, or when one who has lost his/her virginity comes to Christ, the Holy Spirit will convict of the sin, and there will be grief over it. However, it’s important—even vital—to remember that there is no sin beyond the reach of the blood of Jesus. If we confess, He will not only forgive, but will cleanse us from “all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Furthermore, in addition to the forgiveness (which is in itself glorious), God restores. Joel 2:25 tells us that God is able to restore the years that the locust has eaten, and that’s what premarital sex is—a locust that consumes our sense of self, our self-esteem, and our perception of forgiveness. Scripture also tells us that, when we come to Christ, we are new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17), so one who engaged in premarital sex prior to conversion is recreated by God into a new person; the old is gone, the new has come.

            Finally, we know that, as Christians, we’re being renewed by the Holy Spirit each day we walk with Jesus. Colossians 3:10 tells us that our new self is being renewed day by day after the image of its Creator. There is no sin without hope. The power of the gospel is available to all who trust in Jesus for forgiveness.”⁵

Endnotes:

¹https://www.gotquestions.org/premarital-sex.html

²http://thefederalist.com/2016/11/29/cdc-study-says-teen-virgins-healthier/

³http://thefederalist.com/2016/06/06/report-to-divorce-proof-yourself-dont-have-premarital-sex/

⁴https://purityunderpressure.com/purity-under-pressure-book/

⁵https://www.gotquestions.org/premarital-sex.html

Sex Inside and Outside Marriage

A dictionary definition of adultery is, “voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.” My question is, would anything at all justify adultery in a marriage? Here are some scenarios apparently justifying adultery:

(1) The Old Testament records personalities who dabbled in adultery (Lot, Judah, Tamar, Rahab, David & Bathsheba…). So, can marriages dabble in extra-marital affairs, especially since the Bible apparently endorses it?

(2) If one’s belief is intact in Christ, he is saved and heaven-bound. Does this give him/her the privilege to be adulterous?

(3) God loves to forgive. Can a partner in marriage be adulterous, then repent, gain forgiveness, and be right with God? In this instance, man finds pleasure in tasting variety, and still remains right with God. Is this acceptable?

(4) What if a marriage is heading towards divorce and one partner indulges in sexual intercourse with a friend/acquaintance who he/she intends to marry. Is this a sin?

(5) Sex is an inherent component in a marriage. What if a marriage truly suffers in its sexual expression (sex life in marriage sucks)? Does pain from lack of sex offer the person the moral privilege to satisfy his/her sexual needs with another outside marriage?

Does the Bible define adultery or sexual immorality? The answer is a very certain yes. To begin with, God says that sex should only be within the precincts of marriage (Genesis 2: 18-25; Leviticus 18; 1 Corinthians 7: 2-4).  God also states adultery is a sin (Exodus 20: 14; Hebrews 13: 4). Therefore, any sexual innuendos outside the marriage, in thought (Matthew 5: 28) or in deed is adultery and a sin against God and the spouse.

The Bible as a narrative records various historical instances, so it records the sexual frailties of Lot, Judah, Tamar, Rahab, David & Bathsheba. These are mentioned as a historical narrative and not to endorse adultery. These instances serve to teach that sex outside marriage is a sin against a holy God. While interpreting the Bible, one must always employ the hermeneutical principle to interpret the implicit passages by their explicitly stated, similar-themed counterparts. Therefore, Exodus 20: 14, Leviticus 18; 1 Corinthians 7: 2-4, and Hebrews 13: 4, should interpret all narratives of adultery in the Bible.

If one’s belief is intact in Christ, he/she should flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6: 18). But, humans are fallible, for we are weak and prone to sin. Still, it is normative that a believer in Christ will not sin intentionally, for such an act will betray his faith in Christ. But, if a Christian intentionally sins to satisfy his hedonism through adultery, he is in grave danger (cf. Romans 8: 5a & Galatians 5: 21b).

The Bible unequivocally states that God’s grace doesn’t offer a believer the liberty to sin (Romans 6 ff). One cannot bank upon libertarianism or God’s forgiveness to sin intentionally. In fact, God’s grace should captivate and motivate a believer to love and obey God always.

A marriage heading towards divorce also isn’t a license to adultery. Primarily, divorce isn’t an option for a believer. Of course, we do have the exceptions of marital infidelity (Matthew 5: 32) and unbelief (1 Corinthians 7: 12-17) that offers a believer a valid option of divorce. But God’s relationship with Israel vividly portrayed in the personages of Hosea and Gomer implies to me personally that divorce even in proven cases of marital infidelity is to be approached with grace than law. One should work to repair the broken marriage than find an easy way out of the marriage. Exploring this on another tangent, we can infer that finding an easy way out of the marriage could be an indication that the partner was never in the marriage to begin with.

Finally, unsatisfactory sex within a marriage is not a valid reason to engage in adultery. Marriage is not a means to douse one’s burning sexual appetite and fetishes. Marriage is beyond sex. It is a conglomeration (heterogeneous combination) of two individuals to believe, love, care, and nourish each other through favorable and unfavorable circumstances. Sex is a secondary aspect in a marriage. A marriage can indeed survive, by the grace of God, even without satisfactory sex.  

In my blog about premarital sex, there are reasons against premarital sex for the sake of those who do not believe in Christ. Those reasonings were not from the Bible. Still, those reasons would deem adultery as a non-viable option for all and sundry. 

In today’s postmodern world, people rely upon themselves for decisions on morality. A partner in marriage can decide that he needs a change and thus engage in adultery. That person may think that he is not bound to his spouse or any other objective moral authority (God, parents, children etc.). But this person will hypocritically subject himself to a moral framework at his place of work. He cannot take off from work as and when he desires. He would be allowed a certain number of days off from work. Further absence from work would result in termination of employment or loss of salary or a severe reprimand. In other words, this person who is postmodern in his morality within his marriage will not or cannot subscribe to the very same post-modernity at his workplace. Isn’t this sheer hypocrisy? He who refuses objective authority in his marriage hypocritically subjects himself to an objective moral authority at his workplace. He will not be a postmodern at his workplace for the fear of losing his job. Whereas Godlessness in his life that entails fearlessness in his marriage motivates him into adultery. Such a person may fool himself thinking he would not lose anything by virtue of adultery. But he loses his mind, and along with it his morality, integrity, consistency, but most significantly, the pleasure of being with God and enjoying HIM.

Ravi Zacharias offers a perfect analogy for the postmodern mindset. When a friend told him that Wexner Center for the Performing Arts¹ is a postmodern building that was designed with no particular design in mind, Ravi quipped that the foundation of this building would certainly be purposeful. Of course, the architect would have designed this building with pillars without purpose and stairways going nowhere. But this architect would have built this postmodern building with a purposeful foundation meant to hold the building together.

This is the hypocrisy inherent in postmodernism. A postmodern mind may think that life is capricious and so can be lived without any purpose. But that purposelessness is the very purpose, exhibited hedonistically and inconsistently, in that postmodern life – an utter insanity. A postmodern man would reject an objective moral authority when he prefers to indulge in adultery, but he would subscribe to an objective moral authority elsewhere (workplace). Wexner center was closed for three years and $15 million dollars worth repairs were performed to counter its basic design flaws. Similarly, a postmodern mindset, unless transformed by the Lord Jesus Christ, would inevitably be riddled with moral inconsistencies and disasters.

A few days ago, much acclaimed basketball superstar, LeBron James married his longtime sweetheart, Savannah Brinson. The couple had two sons even before they were married; a result of their live-in relationship before their marriage. Live-in relationships are a prevalent practice today. If two unmarried people live together and have children, would they be categorized as adulterers or those indulging in premarital sex? Practicing Christians would consider a live-in relationship a sin or an aberration. A live-in relationship is a loose arrangement without a binding covenant (before God) that holds the relationship together through thick and thin. Adultery comes into the picture when marriage is solemnized, but when the couple has children before marriage, I would term it as premarital sex, thus unacceptable.

To conclude, sex is only permitted within the confines of a marriage. But marriage is not meant for sex alone. Adultery is unjustifiable. May God protect us. Amen.

P.S: If a person has kept his marriage bed pure (in thought & deed), but is accused of adultery, how should he respond? He surely can come out with all his guns blazing, but in the most peaceful and with God’s wisdom. In other words, the evil in the accusation should be despised and overcome by the power of God. Patience should be adopted with a view that the marriage be reconstructed through justice served by God at HIS time and according to HIS pleasure and purpose. Amen.

References:

¹ http://www.house-design-coffee.com/postmodern-architecture.html 

Premarital Sex: Yum or Dumb?

We live in a world inundated with sexual stimuli. A deodorant advertisement portrays a handsome man attracting more women than the other handsome hunks who are in the fray. A condom advertisement promotes sex under the guise of safe sex. Here are some more facts and stats:

1. Earlier, the average age of a person being exposed to pornography was fifteen, now it is five.

2. 80% of Americans indulge in premarital sex.¹

3. Used condoms choked the New Delhi Commonwealth games village toilets in 2010.²

4. Sex was rampant at the 2012 London Olympics. Hope Solo, a football goalkeeper, said 'There's a lot of sex going on at the Olympics.”³ 150,000 condoms were handed out at that Olympics!

It is a well-documented fact that sex before marriage (premarital or safe sex) is rampant in today’s world. Let’s ask a simple question: Is premarital sex right or wrong?

Huffington Post recently published an article justifying sex before marriage, “Here are five reasons to get rid of that purity pledge and do the dirty before you say "I do."” ⁴ A few reasons affirming premarital sex are:

(1) Exploring Compatibility: Partners want to know their sexual compatibility.

(2) Proclaiming Morality: There is nothing wrong with premarital sex!

(3) Circumstantial: One thing led to another and we made love.

(4) Succumbing to Temptations: Unable to resist raging hormones, so we made love.

(5) Peer Pressure: My friend’s doing it, so I did it.

(6) Celebrity Role Models: The idol I adore does it, so why shouldn’t I?

The list could extend.

        Whenever we seek advice on any topic, there should be an objective point of reference. In the court of law, the law book is the objective point of reference. If a thief is brought before the judge for theft and even if that thief happens to be the judge’s relative, the judge cannot set him free by accommodating his personal preference. If theft by law is a crime, and the thief proved of theft, the judge must punish the thief (his relative) according to the law of the land. Personal preference is nonexistent in the court of law (let us not consider corruption). Conduct of man in a society is always governed by an objective point of reference. If the individual does not desire to abide by the objective point of reference, then he subscribes to his personal preferences. This leads to multiple problems. 

        If an individual subscribes to personal preference, the entailment is two-fold. First and generally, personal preference could work if it does not affect another person directly i.e. I can go to a restaurant or a movie of my preference. Second, when the task involves another person, then the consensus is preferred. If I decide to go to a movie with my friend, we need to agree, especially when our choices differ. Often we may need to sacrifice our desires to give way to the other or to what is right. We can hold to our choice if the other’s choice is unacceptable for the right reasons. So, as long as I am by myself, I can more often do whatever I want (even this has limitations when the divine comes into the picture). But when I live in a community, my personal preferences ought to subscribe to a consensus or to the rules laid by the community for the common or the greater good.

        In Christianity, the Bible is the objective point of reference. So a Christian is required to adhere to the biblical mandate. But what about individuals who subscribe to personal preferences in premarital sex? What if both desire the momentary pleasure of sex? Can premarital sex be justified on the basis of consensual sex?

Much can be justified if there are no potential dangers (physical or moral) to an act. If two individuals desire premarital sex, there are definite dangers associated with this act. The dangers are medical (e.g. sexually transmitted diseases), moral (e.g. abortion), emotional (e.g. getting dumped for unsatisfactory sex) etc. When there are dangers associated with an act, it is wise not to practice that act. Therefore, because there are dangers associated with premarital sex, it is wise to abstain from it.

If an individual offers himself the sexual freedom, and if that sexual freedom is morally right, then it is only logical that he offer the same freedom to those around him, even his children. In other words, if an individual indulges in premarital sex, he needs to think if he would offer that freedom to his children as well? If he wouldn’t offer that freedom to his children for the right reasons, then his decision to indulge in premarital sex is wrong.

The other extreme is to be totally unconscious to our children’s morality, but this too can be deemed as an irresponsible and inconsistent behavior. The individual who remains unconscious to his and his children’s sexuality would never remain unconscious with his wealth. If an individual lives any which way he wants to, by the same token, he should allow the thief to plunder his wealth i.e. this individual should allow the thief to live the way he wants to. But the individual guards his wealth with his life! On one hand the individual guards his wealth but on the other hand, he wouldn’t guard his body (sexuality/morality). His actions imply that his wealth is more important than his sexuality/morality. But what has greater significance, losing a million dollars or his daughter suffering a rape? The overwhelming response will ascribe greater significance to ‘daughter’s protection’ over ‘wealth.’ In other words, life gains preeminence over materials. But if the world converges to demean life and its sanctity over momentary pleasure, it exhibits insanity. This is the world we live in – inconsistent, corrupt and morally bankrupt.

For a Christian, the Bible is the objective point of reference, so anything that opposes the Bible should be discarded. The Bible states that lust and sexual immorality is a sin, so a believer is mandated to restrict sexual expression to the confines of a marriage (Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Hebrews 13:4 et al.). Thus it’s rather straightforward to determine that premarital sex is a strict no-no according to the Bible.

The challenge is to reason out with our non-Christian friend without the Bible as a moral framework. Those who propose safe sex should be aware of the following:

(1) A man should live a disciplined life, and this discipline extends to sex as well. If a man lives a sexually undisciplined life, it likens him to animals for which sex is qualitatively different. Man’s been given the ability to think, reason, and be disciplined. Indiscipline in sex leads to chaos (teen pregnancies, abortions, sexually transmitted diseases etc.) within the individual and the society, leading to their downfall. Hence, premarital sex should be avoided.

(2) A condom does not offer safe sex. The failure rate of many types of condoms is growing.⁵ If anyone disagrees, then one should ask if he is willing to have sex with an HIV infected person, using only a condom for protection. A study done on 800 sex therapists stated that none of the 800 would have sex using a condom with an HIV infected person.⁶ Thus, premarital sex, which is unsafe, should be avoided.

(3) Human life is all about adaptation. We adapt ourselves so to live peaceably with our parents, children, siblings, country, culture, and status of birth. We do not choose any of these. We are given, so we live. Then we operate with limited choice in our school, college, university, jobs, colleagues, spouse etc. Many of us do not have perfect schools, jobs, or spouses, but we adapt to our choices. We control our urges and desires and try to live our best with what we have. Thus, it is not an alien concept for an individual to control or sacrifice his sexual urges, before marriage. Anyone indulging in premarital sex does so not on account of lacking in self-control but on account of not applying his mind to the fact that purity is a better alternative to sex. It’s not a case of I-cannot…, but it’s a case of I-don't-want-to….

(4) If one still maintains that they are tempted into sex, they should flee sexual temptations (1 Corinthians 6: 18; 1 Peter 5: 8). Those tempted should not be alone with whom they are sexually attracted to.

(5) It is a myth that sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. The problem in today’s world is that the media accentuates sex as the most important factor in marriage. “A healthy sexual relationship does not happen like spontaneous combustion. It takes work, adjustments, and communication – none of which are ever portrayed in the media, says Scott Rae. ⁷ Determining sexual compatibility before marriage is a mere excuse and an utter nonsense.

(6) How can an individual who indulged in premarital sex, who continues to defend his decision, be trusted for faithfulness to his spouse? What assurance can this person offer his spouse that he/she would control his sexual urges when complications invade their marriage? Seeds of mistrust sown in a marriage are always a recipe for marriage breakdown. (Many believe that non-penetrative sex between unmarried couples is cool or chic. I am a conservative who believes that virginity is lost the moment two individuals perform non-penetrative sex acts in a half or a fully nude state. Some believe that kissing is acceptable while dating. But how often does kissing only end in kissing and not more sexually intimate?)

(7) Following another person should be based on his/her character. The character of that person should subscribe to a higher power, namely God and HIS Word. Atheists will be disoriented on this count.

(8) Finally, couples who indulge in premarital sex often neglect enriching the emotional and spiritual realms of their relationship, which form the foundations of a marriage. Unmarried couples should seek to enrich the spiritual and emotional foundations of their relationship than succumbing to the temptations of premarital sex.

       Those who indulged in premarital sex have a great offer from God. If they repent of their sin, God, who is rich in mercy and grace, forgives and restores their emotional and spiritual virginity. Physical virginity cannot be restored but what matters, in the long run, is the healing of emotional scars of past sexual promiscuity leading to a healthy and a fruitful marriage.

Premarital sex is neither yum nor dumb, but it is a sin against God. Amen.

References:

¹ http://waitingtillmarriage.org/4-cool-statistics-about-abstinence-in-the-usa/

² http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/used-condoms-choke-games-village-sewages/1/115418.html

³ http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2175783/The-raunchiest-Olympics-Record-150-000-condoms-handed-athletes-London-Games--thats-15-EACH.html#ixzz2e5sgSxPj

⁴ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/26/sex-before-marriage_n_3333073.html

⁵ Scott B. Rae, Moral Choices: An Introduction to Ethics, 3^rd Ed, p291, 2009.

⁶ Ibid.

⁷ Ibid., 293.