Within a presupposition that man
rapes a woman (not the vice versa), we could theoretically speculate if there is
an acceptable situation within a Christian marriage where a Christian husband be
probably excused for raping his wife.
Marital rape (spousal rape) is
criminalized in many countries, and rightfully so. Rape by definition is
non-consensual, so anything non-consensual is offensive in a human relationship.
Even if marital rape is not criminalized by the country concerned, we should initially
concede that it is incorrect and should not be permitted – theologically and by
the judiciary.
What could be the causes of marital
rape? How would God view marital rape?
The broad causes could be depravity
and deprivation. While depravity is totally unjustified, deprivation should be
examined more closely.
In a respectable marriage, the demand
of excessive or inappropriate sex by a spouse manifests the depravity of his mind.
In this context, the rapist-husband is depraved, and also the primary cause of
the rape, while the raped-wife is the victim. The rapist-husband is wrong while
the other is not wrong (the raped wife, who is the victim).
In contrast, when sex is intentionally
and vengefully deprived in a marriage, depravity manifests primarily through
the spouse who primarily deprives the partner of sex. In this instance, it is possible
for the deprived husband to seek sexual favors from outside the marriage. This
is sin, since adultery, under any setting, is sin. Hence let us assume that the
deprived husband does not stray outside the marriage.
But out of sheer desperation, if
the sexually deprived husband rapes his wife, shouldn’t the deprivation of sex
be seriously considered before meting out punishment to the rapist husband? The
fact remains that in the event of a rape in this marriage, the primary cause
for the rape is the wife who deprived her husband of sex.
The husband, who was deprived of
sex, chose rape, which is the sinful route to quench his desire for sex. This
is sin. But the wife who caused depravity is also equally, if not more, in sin.
Therefore in this instance, one person’s depravity activates the depravity of
the other.
In countries where spousal rape
is criminalized, we can be sure that the rapist-husband would be punished by
the law. We can also be reasonably confident that the wife who deprived her
husband of sex, and thereby activated him to rape her, would probably go
unpunished.
While one sinner receives
punishment for his sin, the other sinner remains a victim to receive compassion
from all concerned. This is unjust.
God, the just judge, does not
permit injustice. God takes all sins into account. In God’s eyes both would be
sinners.
The Bible teaches sacrifice in marriage
so to prevent adultery and rape. Please read these verses, “…But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual
relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The
husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to
her husband. The wife does not have
authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have
authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual
consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will
not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a
concession, not as a command” (1
Corinthians 7: 1-6, NIV, Emphasis Mine).
Importantly, and in a nutshell,
the Bible teaches that, as much as possible, the husband and the wife should not
intentionally and vengefully deprive each other sexually. But the sexually deprived
spouse does not have any right, whatsoever, to rape the partner. The Bible is
emphatic about this as well.
Because all men and women are
sinners by nature, some Christian husbands/ wives can intentionally and
vengefully deprive their spouses of sexual relationship. This is possible even
in a Christian marriage. How then should the deprived spouse overcome this
situation without sinning against God?
Remaining in Christ is the only
option. If we remain in Christ, we will bear fruit, one such fruit is the fruit
of “self-control” (Galatians 5: 23; cf. 2 Peter 1: 6; Acts 24: 25). The husband,
who is deprived of sex from his wife, requires ‘self-control’ to remain clean. The
fruit of self-control is only possible when the individual constantly remains
in Christ. Self-control keeps the marriage bed pure.
What about the wife who
intentionally and vengefully deprives her husband of sex in the marriage? Obviously,
this wife is spiritually immature especially when her unholy intention and
revenge of sexually depriving her husband extends over a period of days and
weeks. Without proper Christian counseling, this marriage is a recipe for
disaster.
Importantly, a sincere doubt could
be raised as to whether a vengeful person is a Christian to begin with.
First, revenge is an act of
hatred, which is the opposite of love. Second, the one who takes revenge on
his/her own spouse and that for a prolonged time period exhibits a ruthless and
severe poverty of love. Third, when neighborly love lacks in a Christian,
his/her love for God can seriously be questioned. The same thought process can
be applied to the husband who [continually] rapes his wife.
There is another tangent to this.
Those subscribing to postmodern and relativistic worldviews could argue for the
spousal freedom - that the individual [in a Christian marriage] should be free
to decide whether or not to sexually relate with the spouse.
This thought mocks the biblical
teaching found in 1 Corinthians 7. This even mocks all the teaching on sacrificial
love.
The love the relativists
subscribe to is ‘self-love.’ This love cares only about the self. This love
does not care about others.
If the relativists advocate
spousal freedom to the wife, by the same token, would they advocate spousal freedom
to the husband to seek sexual favors from outside the marriage? Some hardcore
relativists would say yes! When spousal freedom is granted without any
boundaries the outcome would be nothing but chaos.
Normatively, the relativists and postmoderns
are consistently inconsistent. While in some instances they will recommend subjectivism,
they will also innately and intentionally contradict their own relativistic worldview
in other instances.
For instance, those relativists
and postmoderns who argue for spousal freedom to not participate sexually in a
marriage would not tolerate chaos on the road (where every man can drive the
way they want and at the speed they want without regarding traffic rules). On
one hand they would covet chaos in a marriage but on the other hand they would
not covet chaos on the road they travel in. Such is their hypocrisy. In other
words, they would subscribe to relativism in marriage but would subscribe to objectivism
on roads for traffic regulation.
What about the spouse who is
raped? This person should seek Christian counseling, all the while hoping and
praying that the counselor would deal with the situation in a godly manner.
This person too should remain in the Lord, for only the Lord can heal the pain
in body and in mind.
To conclude, depravity of any
form or size is sin. Deprivation of sex in a marriage is a sin. A true
Christian spouse would not submit her husband to such humiliation. The husband who
has been deprived of sex should primarily derive strength from the Lord to
remain pure by remaining close to the Lord always. The wife raped by her
Christian husband should seek Christian counseling and more importantly seek
the Lord for healing and restoration.
Moreover, in case of an
unrepentant continuance of the sin of marital rape or deprivation of sex, a
temporary separation could be advised by the Christian counselor, after
analyzing the marriage with godly wisdom.
But our overriding prayer is for every marriage to glorify God through
sacrificial love and mutual respect. Amen.
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