When Divorce Or Separation Makes Sense

            Marriage between a man and a woman is intended by God as a lifelong union. But separation or divorce in Christian marriages is a reality.

            Census data from India reveals a total of 130,000 Christians who remain either separated or divorced. 6.5 males and 11.9 females out of 1000 married persons are separated, while 2.8 Christian males and 4.7 Christian females out of 1000 married persons are divorced.¹

            American Psychological Association confirms divorce in 40-50% of married couples in the USA.² Pew Research Center reported divorce and separation in 74% Christians in the USA.³

            These are shocking statistics. If these numbers are factual, then, sadly, Satan is having a field day, ravaging Christian homes. The collateral damage is likely to be severe in these homes.

            God’s intent for marriage is well expressed in these four points:

·         “God created marriage as a loyal partnership between one man and one woman.

·         Marriage is the firmest foundation for building a family.

·         God designed sexual expression to help married couples build intimacy.

·         Marriage mirrors God's covenant relationship with His people.”⁴

When Christian Marriages Don’t Make Sense

            First and foremost, marriages ought to please, honor and glorify God. Unfortunately, many a marriage gratifies man, but not God.

            Quite a few Christian marriages are a sham. These are marriages that are apparently genuine in the eyes of man, but divorced or separated in the eyes of God.

            There are instances of the husband and wife living in separate rooms within the same home but not talking to each other, for years. Although in public they would act as if all is well in their marriage. The husband and wife would playact so to not expose their utter disdain for each other in public.

            Then there are marriages where either the husband or the wife would remain perennially silent about their partner’s abuse or infidelity. Love and trust for each other would have ceased to exist in this marriage. But they remain silent so to protect their children or their family’s reputation. They live in the same home and they perform their routine chores. Aside from this, their marriage is dead.

When Divorce Or Separation Makes Sense

            God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). Hence, undoubtedly, a strong argument against divorce or separation can be presented from the Bible (cf. Matthew 19:6).

            Nevertheless, there is a need to recognize that divorce or separation is, in certain instances, necessary in Christian marriages. Divorce or separation is necessitated because of adultery and unbelief (in God) in Christian marriages (Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:15).

            Adultery and unbelief notwithstanding, there are other valid reasons for divorce and separation. The Bible may not have stated these reasons as warrants for divorce or separation, but there are adequate guidelines validating divorce or separation.

            If life or sanity of either the husband or the wife (or even that of the children) is in danger because of abuse and destructive behavior, then is it not worthwhile for the husband and the wife to separate? Should marriage be protected at the cost of sanity and human life? These are classic instances of abusing the spouse without repenting of the sin.

            Relationships that are abusive and destructive or filled with betrayal or addiction, warrant divorce or separation if the abuser or the betrayer remains unrepentant of his/her sins. An article from Christianity Today states, “The Bible tells us what to do when there is sin in a relationship (see Matthew 18:15–17). First, we are to confront the person. If they don’t listen, we should bring in a third party. If they still don’t listen, we ought to ask for help from a church authority. If this doesn’t bring about change, we are to separate from them…”⁵

            Furthermore, the absence of love and trust in a marriage (between the husband and wife) will lead to various situations of abuse and betrayal that are detrimental to a marriage, necessitating divorce or separation. The metaphor of ‘Christ and the Church’ is offered to the Christian marriage (Ephesians 5:21-33). The relationship between Christ and the church is predicated on love and trust i.e. Christ loves the church and the church believes in Christ. Therefore, a marriage will only be genuine as long as love and trust exist in the marriage. If love and trust cease to exist in the marriage, then the marriage becomes a sham or fake.

            However, any decision pertaining to divorce or separation should be prayerfully and objectively considered.

When Divorce Or Separation Is Shamed

            Spiritual pride is the most common sin among successful Christians. Consequently, Christians who are divorced or separated are often scorned by their fellow [spiritually-proud] Christians, who enjoy supposedly successful marriages.

            Divorced or separated Christians, for instance, cannot hold any positions of leadership in many churches and would not be employed in a good number of Christian ministries (cf. 1 Timothy 3: 1-13; Titus 1: 6-9). However, the process of appointment of Christian leaders in these institutions is questionable because more often the leaders are chosen for their worldly achievement than their spiritual anointing. How many Christian leaders can echo Paul’s words and say, “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.”?? (1 Corinthians 11:1, NASB).

            The state of many a Christian church is in a deplorable spiritual condition today because of its leadership. These Christian leaders may be genuinely married, and nothing may be wrong with their marriages. But they may be corrupt, liberal or postmodern or they do not know their Bible because they have not read and studied it (cf. Titus 1:9; 1 Timothy 3:9). Hence, their leadership would be totally debatable and their decisions would not conform to the biblical standards.

            Therefore, when the focus is more on appointing genuinely married people (with their glowing worldly achievement) and not on their spiritual standing in Christ, as the leaders of the church or the Christian mission, the church and the Christian mission is placed in harm’s way.       

            There are many Christian marriages that are abundantly blessed by God. In other words, God’s hedge of protection is upon these marriages.

            Recollect God’s hedge of protection upon Job, “God said to Satan, “Have you noticed my friend Job? There’s no one quite like him—honest and true to his word, totally devoted to God and hating evil.” Satan retorted, “So do you think Job does all that out of the sheer goodness of his heart?...You pamper him like a pet, make sure nothing bad ever happens to him or his family or his possessions, bless everything he does—he can’t lose! (Cf. Job 1: 8-10, MSG, Emphasis Mine).

            Christians, who enjoy successful marriages, think that their marriages are successful because of the good work they invest in their marriage. They, however, fail to recognize that their marriage is successful because it primarily enjoys God’s hedge of protection.

            These Christians shame their fellow brothers and sisters who suffer divorce or separation in their marriages by disregarding and scorning them. This is a sad occurrence in the Christian community.

            Why can’t we be gracious with those who are divorced or separated? Is it too difficult to love them unconditionally, just as God loves us unconditionally? Why are we unable to empathize with their predicament and support them in any which way that we can?

            Let not pride overcome us, instead, may the grace of our Lord Jesus fill and flow through us.

Conclusion: Beware

            Divorce or separation is not the solution to every marriage under duress. Unfortunately today, marriages are undergoing divorce or separation for frivolous reasons. Even in the case of adultery, unbelief, and abuse, divorce or separation need not necessarily be the only course of action.

            Mature and gracious Christians should intervene or should be allowed to intervene in marriages that are under duress. Adequate time should be offered for recognition and repentance of the sin that’s plaguing the marriage. However, when sanity of life or life in itself is under threat, then, and only then, should divorce or separation be considered as a legitimate course of action.

            Satan is enjoying a field day ravaging Christian marriages. Christian marriages are being attacked by Satan. Saving Christian marriages is a duty incumbent upon the church.

            May God bless every Christian marriage and may HIS blessings be upon the honest and prayerful efforts of every church and every Christian, who work ceaselessly to save Christian marriages that are under duress.        

Endnotes:

¹Times of India, January 9, 2018.

²http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/

³http://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/marital-status/divorcedseparated/

⁴https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods-design-for-marriage/marriage-gods-idea/gods-design-for-marriage

⁵https://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2016/april/how-therapeutic-separation-could-save-your-marriage.html

Websites last accessed on January 31, 2018.

Marriages Made In Heaven? What Happens If You Do Not Marry The Person of God’s Choice?

            The question “Are marriages made in heaven?” is akin to asking “Does God bring the right person for marriage into the life of a Christian?” or “Does God create two people (man and woman) specifically for each other?”

            The Bible suggests that God brings the right person into the lives of Christians for the purpose of marriage. The first marriage between Adam and Eve and Isaac’s marriage to Rebecca was ordained by God (Genesis 24). Proverbs 19:14 indicates God’s activity in bringing the right person into the life of a Christian for marriage, “…a congenial spouse comes straight from God.” (MSG). Matthew 19: 6 also suggests that God ordains a Christian marriage from the perspective that HE brings the right person to the Christian for marriage.

            Although God may choose the right person for us to marry, is it not possible for imperfect humans to disregard God’s choice for our own? Young Christian men and women seeking God’s will for their marriage (that God would show the person HE has chosen for them) is a common sight in the God-fearing stratum of Christendom. But how many Christians marry the person God has chosen for them?

            Building selfish preconditions into our marriage invariably purges God from our marriage equation. God, who commanded prophet Hosea to marry the adulterous Gomer, cannot be limited to our convenient whims and fancies.

            A mere glance into the selfish thoughts and plans driving the Christian marriages in the Indian subcontinent is an adequate proof of our whimsical convenience that eliminates God from the marriage preparations. Christians, in India, seek to marry people from their own caste or clan (e.g. same language groups). Casteism is man-made and is abhorrent in God’s sight. So God would not sternly command a man to marry a woman from within his own caste.

            There are those Christians, within and outside the Indian subcontinent, who seek to marry the affluent or the well educated. Other Christians seek educational harmony for marriage - a software engineer seeking to marry another software engineer or a doctor seeking to marry another doctor. Few Christians seek to marry only the beautiful / handsome member of the opposite sex. This list could go on and on.

            When our cozy and convenient preconditions determine our choice of spouse, God disappears from our marriage equation.

            Consider this theme from another vantage point. Do long-lasting and joyous Christian marriages imply a rigorous obedience to God’s choice of the marriage partners? If you think so, then I beg to differ. Why?

            Reflect on the non-Christian marriages that are happy and long-lasting. Obviously they neither sought nor obeyed the God of the Bible while choosing their spouse. Hence I conclude that the presence of happy and long-lasting non-Christian marriages provides adequate proof that all happy and long-lasting Christian marriages need NOT necessarily be a consequence of a righteous and a rigorous obedience to God.

            Then there is the tragic element of “drama or performance” in Christian marriages. There are Christian marriages that falsely portray an image of a godly or a loving union to their audience.

            Some Christian couples constantly quarrel for all things big and small. There are those who have not shared a same bedroom for years or decades! A few Christian couples do not love their spouse truly, but robotically live out their marriage for the sake of their children or for the sake of their reputation in the church / workplace / society. Without an iota of doubt, fraudulent Christian marriages exist in Christendom.

            The question we should ask is, “would God have architected such a fraudulent Christian marriage?” No!

            God desires that the husband love his wife and the wife submits to her husband. This is the Christian paradigm for marriage. Hence, God would not have architected a Christian marriage where love and submission are entirely missing.

            So to recap:

1. God brings the right person for marriage into the life of a Christian.

2. Sinful man’s imperfection could disregard God’s choice of spouse for his/her marriage.

2.1. Existence of happy and long-lasting Christian marriages need not necessarily indicate obedience to God’s choice of spouse.

2.2. Existence of fraudulent Christian marriages reveal man’s disregard of God’s choice of spouse for his marriage.

            The possibility of Christians disregarding God’s choice of spouse is overwhelming. Yet if a Christian married a person of God’s choice, it is still uncertain that their marriage would be innately joyous and without any trace of squabbles.

            Why?

            Imperfection of man and the possibility of devil’s attack on a Christian marriage could lead to instability. The [imperfect] husband and the wife, despite obeying God, need not be immune to Satan’s lure and temptations.

            The date and time of devil’s assault upon a Christian marriage will not be stated. Hence, Christian marriages cannot be so smug about its apparent stability.

            Presence of one spiritually weak partner in the Christian marriage is the perfect recipe for the devil to feast on the Christian marriage. The devil will manipulate and devour the weak link to ruin a Christian marriage.

            Yet if God’s protective hedge is upon a Christian marriage so to prevent the devil looting the Christian sanity from it, the possibility of man’s freewill usurping the stability of the marriage is plausible.

            Consider our present context that demands the employment of both the husband and the wife in a majority of urban Christian households. In such as situation, a Christian marriage would crumble if one partner transmits the anger and disappointment from their respective workplace into their marriage.

            Notwithstanding the devil and man’s freewill, it is normatively sufficient for a marriage to crumble because of an imperfect upbringing of either of the partners in the marriage. Consider the case of “anxious attachment” that causes jealousy and unduly worry in a partner that potentially leads to the demise of a marriage, “Anxious attachment is a way of describing the way some people connect with others — especially emotionally significant others — in their lives,” said Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and speaker. Individuals with an anxious attachment believe they’re flawed, inadequate and unworthy of love, she said.

            Our attachment styles develop in infancy. Some infants perceive their parents as inconsistently available, which distressed them (understandably so, “children need their caregivers for their very survival”).

            When kids become distressed, their parents may give them extra attention. These kids also may receive attention when they meet others’ needs.

            Over time, “they develop a characteristic sense of feeling needy for attention and needing others to help soothe them,” said Becker-Phelps, author of Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It.

            Kids with an anxious attachment grow up to believe they need to earn others’ support and attention because they’re essentially flawed, she said. They believe they aren’t loved for themselves, but for what they do for others or how they respond to their needs.

            Naturally, such beliefs negatively affect their relationships. Anxiously attached individuals are often self-critical and regularly question themselves, which “can be tiring to friends and loved ones who try to be supportive.”

            They also cling to their relationships and get jealous easily. They expect others to leave them because, inevitably, they believe they’re going to disappoint others, said Becker-Phelps.”¹

            The writing on the wall is this; the Lord Jesus said, “Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6: 34c, NASB). So disagreements and troubles will be an inherent part of a Christian marriage whether the couple obeyed God or not.

            This is not an imperative to not seek God’s will in your marriage. But God’s will should be sought while choosing the spouse and married couples should constantly seek God to keep their marriages safe and alive.

            If you doubt whether you married the person of God’s choice, do not fret or fear. You can still make your marriage a success, if you both seek the Lord fervently. If your marriage is treading stormy waters, do not worry, but remain prayerfully steadfast in the Lord, who alone has the power to calm the storm.

Endnotes:

¹https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/02/when-you-regularly-feel-insecure-in-your-relationship/, last accessed on 2^nd March 2017.