Don't Say This To A Suffering Person

            Living amidst a pandemic is challenging. Every second or third person we may encounter may be suffering.

            Comforting a suffering soul is not simple. Not all of us can comfort a suffering soul. Sometimes what we say may have the opposite effect of comfort.  

            So let’s see what not to say and what to say to a person in pain and misery.

DON’TS

            The Bible advises us to not speak mindlessly (James 1:19).

            I am there for you always: While uttering words of comfort we may say, “I am there for you always. Count on me.” Let us not say this and then not contact the suffering soul or disregard them when the suffering person contacts us.

            I’ll always pray for you: This is a serious commitment we are getting into when we utter these words. Let us not say this and not communicate to the sufferer for an extended period.

            It may be acceptable if we pray diligently for this person but remain out of contact. But the alternate – to not pray – is to be dishonest.

            There is greater dishonesty: To say we are praying for him when we are actually not praying for him.

            This is an exhibition of travesty: To merely pray or wish the sufferer well when God has placed us in a position of being a greater help to them (Cf. James 2:15-17).

            To not alleviate the financial needs of a suffering soul is a classic example. To not use our authority to help a jobless person get a job is another example.

            When ministering to a suffering soul, it is better to not speak much. Instead, let us listen and offer our shoulders for them to cry on.

            Do not dismiss the feelings of a suffering soul:¹ [Emphasis Mine]

One of the biggest mistakes you can make when someone tells you bad news is to deny you heard anything troubling…Changing the subject, making jokes or coming up with reasons why the problem isn’t a problem cut off communication and tell the sufferer that it’s not all right to express sorrow.

Comments like “Don’t worry,” “Don’t cry,” “Cheer up,” “It could be worse,” “It’s not that bad,” “Everything will be fine” and “Look at the bright side” can do the same thing.

When you respond in these ways, you are in effect casting aside the sufferers’ concerns and telling them you’re not interested in hearing about their struggles. This can leave them feeling unheard, misunderstood or deserted. They may feel as though they’re being corrected for feeling the way they do. Their burden becomes heavier, not lighter.

Part of the problem is thinking that when we’re facing trials, we must always put on a cheery façade, even if we’re hurting. But Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there’s “a time to weep.” It’s okay to admit we’re in pain.

Those who are hurting need you to accept their feelings and acknowledge what they’re going through. Reassure them that their concerns are valid. Allow them to be sad, grieve or cry when they’re with you. Don’t expect them to pretend that everything is normal just so you can feel more comfortable.

            Here’s more of what not to say:² [Emphasis Mine]

1) Do not say: “It could be worse.”

…We have some odd ways of cheering each other up.

The comment is accurate—everything could be worse. We suffer and then, along with the suffering, have a comforter who says it could be worse.

Such a comment is utterly thoughtless. God himself would never say or sanction it. God does not compare our present suffering to anyone else’s or to worst-case scenarios. Ever. If we hear friends do this in their own suffering, it does not give us the right to chime in. Instead, it might be a time to warn them.

“Yes, your suffering might not seem as severe as _______, but God doesn’t compare your sufferings to others.”

If we make such comparisons, we might be tempted not to speak of the suffering from our hearts to the Lord because we would consider it whining, which it certainly is not.

So even though things could be worse, that is never an appropriate thing to say to others or to let others say about their situation. God is not dismissive of our hardships, and neither should we be.

2) Do not say: “What is God teaching you through this?” Or, “God will work this together for good.”

Those platitudes are biblical in that God does teach us in our suffering, and he is working all things together for good (Rom. 8:28). We agree with C. S. Lewis when he writes that pain is God’s megaphone to arouse a deaf world. But these kinds of comments have hurt so many people; let’s agree that we will never say them.

Consider a few of the possible problems with this and other poorly timed misuses of biblical passages:

Such responses circumvent compassion. Will you have compassion if someone is being “taught a lesson”? Not likely.

Such responses tend to be condescending, as in, “I wonder when you will finally get it.”

Such responses suggest that suffering is a solvable riddle. God has something specific in mind, and we have to guess what it is. Welcome to a cosmic game of Twenty Questions, and we’d better get the right answer soon; otherwise, the suffering will continue.

Such responses suggest that we have done something to unleash the suffering.

Such responses undercut God’s call to all suffering people: “Trust me.”

In our attempts to help, we can over-interpret suffering. We search for clues to God’s ways, as if suffering were a scavenger hunt. Get to the end, with the right answers, and God will take away the pain. Meanwhile, the quest for answers is misguided from the start and will end badly. Suffering is not an intellectual matter that needs answers; it is highly personal: Can I trust him? Does he hear? Suffering is a relational matter, and it is a time to speak honestly to the Lord and remember that the fullest revelation he gives of himself is through Jesus Christ, the suffering servant. Only when we look to Jesus can we know that God’s love and our suffering can coexist.

3) Do not say: “If you need anything, please call me, anytime.”

This heads in a better direction; it is not quite a platitude. However, this common and kind comment reveals that we do not really know the person. Sufferers usually don’t know what they want or need, and they won’t call you. The comment is the equivalent of, “I’ve said something nice, now see ya later.” It gives no real thought to the sufferer’s needs and circumstances, and the suffering person knows it.

       Please do not be Super-Spiritual or judgmental. Read point (2) again.

DO’S  

         Let’s be connected to the suffering person. Call them at least once a week. Visit them.

        Pray with them. Listen to them. Let us offer our shoulders for them to cry on. 

        Offer them help. Every suffering person needs help. Alleviate their financial and other needs, if any.

         Here’s a very valuable piece of advice as to what to do while ministering to a suffering person:³

When a friend is suffering, rather than offering “help” that actually hurts, keep these three principles in mind:

1. Sit and listen. Having someone listen as I pour out my heart has helped me more than any words ever have. I just want someone to be there. To weep with me. To say she is sorry things are so hard. To not expect me to have perfect theology. To let me rant. What an amazing gift it is not to feel judged by every word I utter in desperation.

2. Make specific offers to help. Concrete offers are the easiest to accept. Statements like: “I’d like to bring a meal next week. Would Tuesday work or would you prefer another day?” Or “I’m about to go to the grocery store. What can I get you?”

3. Stay in touch. Pray. Write notes. Call or visit. Text. Send little reminders that we’re not forgotten.

All of us have let our friends down in their struggles. And all of us have been hurt or disappointed by our friends in our own grief. We cannot perfectly comfort someone else, and we don’t need to “fix” our friends. Instead, let’s sit with our suffering friends. Cry with them. Support them as they grieve. They need grace to heal.

Remember, our suffering friends don’t need a savior. They already have one . . . and so do we.

Endnotes:

¹https://lifehopeandtruth.com/relationships/communication/what-not-to-say-suffering/

²https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/explore-the-bible/3-things-not-to-say-when-someone-is-suffering.html

³https://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2015/january-week-4/what-not-to-say-to-someone-whos-suffering.html

Websites last accessed on 30^th September 2020