Don't Say This To A Suffering Person

            Living amidst a pandemic is challenging. Every second or third person we may encounter may be suffering.

            Comforting a suffering soul is not simple. Not all of us can comfort a suffering soul. Sometimes what we say may have the opposite effect of comfort.  

            So let’s see what not to say and what to say to a person in pain and misery.

DON’TS

            The Bible advises us to not speak mindlessly (James 1:19).

            I am there for you always: While uttering words of comfort we may say, “I am there for you always. Count on me.” Let us not say this and then not contact the suffering soul or disregard them when the suffering person contacts us.

            I’ll always pray for you: This is a serious commitment we are getting into when we utter these words. Let us not say this and not communicate to the sufferer for an extended period.

            It may be acceptable if we pray diligently for this person but remain out of contact. But the alternate – to not pray – is to be dishonest.

            There is greater dishonesty: To say we are praying for him when we are actually not praying for him.

            This is an exhibition of travesty: To merely pray or wish the sufferer well when God has placed us in a position of being a greater help to them (Cf. James 2:15-17).

            To not alleviate the financial needs of a suffering soul is a classic example. To not use our authority to help a jobless person get a job is another example.

            When ministering to a suffering soul, it is better to not speak much. Instead, let us listen and offer our shoulders for them to cry on.

            Do not dismiss the feelings of a suffering soul:¹ [Emphasis Mine]

One of the biggest mistakes you can make when someone tells you bad news is to deny you heard anything troubling…Changing the subject, making jokes or coming up with reasons why the problem isn’t a problem cut off communication and tell the sufferer that it’s not all right to express sorrow.

Comments like “Don’t worry,” “Don’t cry,” “Cheer up,” “It could be worse,” “It’s not that bad,” “Everything will be fine” and “Look at the bright side” can do the same thing.

When you respond in these ways, you are in effect casting aside the sufferers’ concerns and telling them you’re not interested in hearing about their struggles. This can leave them feeling unheard, misunderstood or deserted. They may feel as though they’re being corrected for feeling the way they do. Their burden becomes heavier, not lighter.

Part of the problem is thinking that when we’re facing trials, we must always put on a cheery façade, even if we’re hurting. But Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there’s “a time to weep.” It’s okay to admit we’re in pain.

Those who are hurting need you to accept their feelings and acknowledge what they’re going through. Reassure them that their concerns are valid. Allow them to be sad, grieve or cry when they’re with you. Don’t expect them to pretend that everything is normal just so you can feel more comfortable.

            Here’s more of what not to say:² [Emphasis Mine]

1) Do not say: “It could be worse.”

…We have some odd ways of cheering each other up.

The comment is accurate—everything could be worse. We suffer and then, along with the suffering, have a comforter who says it could be worse.

Such a comment is utterly thoughtless. God himself would never say or sanction it. God does not compare our present suffering to anyone else’s or to worst-case scenarios. Ever. If we hear friends do this in their own suffering, it does not give us the right to chime in. Instead, it might be a time to warn them.

“Yes, your suffering might not seem as severe as _______, but God doesn’t compare your sufferings to others.”

If we make such comparisons, we might be tempted not to speak of the suffering from our hearts to the Lord because we would consider it whining, which it certainly is not.

So even though things could be worse, that is never an appropriate thing to say to others or to let others say about their situation. God is not dismissive of our hardships, and neither should we be.

2) Do not say: “What is God teaching you through this?” Or, “God will work this together for good.”

Those platitudes are biblical in that God does teach us in our suffering, and he is working all things together for good (Rom. 8:28). We agree with C. S. Lewis when he writes that pain is God’s megaphone to arouse a deaf world. But these kinds of comments have hurt so many people; let’s agree that we will never say them.

Consider a few of the possible problems with this and other poorly timed misuses of biblical passages:

Such responses circumvent compassion. Will you have compassion if someone is being “taught a lesson”? Not likely.

Such responses tend to be condescending, as in, “I wonder when you will finally get it.”

Such responses suggest that suffering is a solvable riddle. God has something specific in mind, and we have to guess what it is. Welcome to a cosmic game of Twenty Questions, and we’d better get the right answer soon; otherwise, the suffering will continue.

Such responses suggest that we have done something to unleash the suffering.

Such responses undercut God’s call to all suffering people: “Trust me.”

In our attempts to help, we can over-interpret suffering. We search for clues to God’s ways, as if suffering were a scavenger hunt. Get to the end, with the right answers, and God will take away the pain. Meanwhile, the quest for answers is misguided from the start and will end badly. Suffering is not an intellectual matter that needs answers; it is highly personal: Can I trust him? Does he hear? Suffering is a relational matter, and it is a time to speak honestly to the Lord and remember that the fullest revelation he gives of himself is through Jesus Christ, the suffering servant. Only when we look to Jesus can we know that God’s love and our suffering can coexist.

3) Do not say: “If you need anything, please call me, anytime.”

This heads in a better direction; it is not quite a platitude. However, this common and kind comment reveals that we do not really know the person. Sufferers usually don’t know what they want or need, and they won’t call you. The comment is the equivalent of, “I’ve said something nice, now see ya later.” It gives no real thought to the sufferer’s needs and circumstances, and the suffering person knows it.

       Please do not be Super-Spiritual or judgmental. Read point (2) again.

DO’S  

         Let’s be connected to the suffering person. Call them at least once a week. Visit them.

        Pray with them. Listen to them. Let us offer our shoulders for them to cry on. 

        Offer them help. Every suffering person needs help. Alleviate their financial and other needs, if any.

         Here’s a very valuable piece of advice as to what to do while ministering to a suffering person:³

When a friend is suffering, rather than offering “help” that actually hurts, keep these three principles in mind:

1. Sit and listen. Having someone listen as I pour out my heart has helped me more than any words ever have. I just want someone to be there. To weep with me. To say she is sorry things are so hard. To not expect me to have perfect theology. To let me rant. What an amazing gift it is not to feel judged by every word I utter in desperation.

2. Make specific offers to help. Concrete offers are the easiest to accept. Statements like: “I’d like to bring a meal next week. Would Tuesday work or would you prefer another day?” Or “I’m about to go to the grocery store. What can I get you?”

3. Stay in touch. Pray. Write notes. Call or visit. Text. Send little reminders that we’re not forgotten.

All of us have let our friends down in their struggles. And all of us have been hurt or disappointed by our friends in our own grief. We cannot perfectly comfort someone else, and we don’t need to “fix” our friends. Instead, let’s sit with our suffering friends. Cry with them. Support them as they grieve. They need grace to heal.

Remember, our suffering friends don’t need a savior. They already have one . . . and so do we.

Endnotes:

¹https://lifehopeandtruth.com/relationships/communication/what-not-to-say-suffering/

²https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/explore-the-bible/3-things-not-to-say-when-someone-is-suffering.html

³https://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2015/january-week-4/what-not-to-say-to-someone-whos-suffering.html

Websites last accessed on 30^th September 2020

How Do Atheists Encourage The Dying & The Suffering? (Evaluating Atheism’s Response To Pain)

            How does atheism respond to pain? Does atheism offer meaningful comfort to those in pain? This is a critical aspect to consider so to validate the truth claim of atheism.

            Atheists claim that their worldview is factual. Christians and other theists, by positing God’s existence and value, passionately deny this truth claim.

            A mere propositioning of a truth claim does not confirm the proposition as truth. Hence a statement that atheism is true does not necessarily confirm it to be as true. A truth claim ought NOT to be systemically contradictory i.e. atheism as a worldview should not contradict itself.

            If atheism cannot console atheists, it contradicts itself. Learning how atheists console or encourage those in pain will crucially determine atheism’s constructive relevance in painful situations and meaningful value to those in pain. If atheism is not of value to those in pain, then it would considerably weaken and negate atheism’s truth claim.

            At the other side of the coin is theism and most especially, Christianity, which asserts that the chief end of man is to enjoy and glorify God. When a Christian enjoys God’s presence, he, most certainly, will not voluntarily be in a permanent state of depression¹ or sadness. (Depression or sadness may be a temporary phenomenon in a Christian life.) Therefore, Christians would predominantly be peaceful and joyous for they are constantly experiencing and enjoying God’s presence in their life.

            Suffering challenges God’s intent for a man to be joyous. But it is the sovereign God who allows suffering upon the vulnerable man (cf. Job 1: 10; Isaiah 5: 5). Hence, it is incumbent upon God to offer peace and comfort to those believers who are in pain, yet call upon HIM (Philippians 4: 4-7).

            If atheism is factual, it should ensure that its adherents are peaceful and joyful in all situations of life; even the suffering atheists should be peaceful. But peace is not the default attribute of a person in suffering – be it a theist or an atheist.

            Since peace is not innate in man, peace that leads to joy should be offered by an external source greater than man. But atheism ignores or chooses to be blind to the most powerful external source that can ever be – God. Therefore, learning how atheists console and encourage each other would be a valuable means to discern either the truthfulness or the deceit of atheism.

            Atheism operates within the paradigm of rejecting God and enabling man. So instead of asking how atheists console each other, we could ask what atheism offers to its adherents that would be valuable and meaningful for encouragement and consolation of the atheist in pain.

            For the sake of this discussion, I have considered an article from Huff Post written by an atheist striving to write comforting and meaningful words of consolation to a suffering theist.²  

YOU ARE LIVING THROUGH YOUR OFFSPRING

            When the theist lost her father, the atheist strived to console her by saying that she is the epitome of her father and that she should be encouraged about it, “…we're alive through our offspring. You are physically an embodiment of your father's biological and genetic essence. This includes everything from how you look to many of the behavioral and personality traits you have. In other words -- and this is not an exaggeration -- your father is literally alive through you, as mine is through me. For me, knowing that is incredibly powerful and comforting.”³

            If the departed person was a parent, spouse or a friend who loved us deeply and unconditionally, then how does the knowledge of he/she living in me comfort me? I know I live, but then I loved the departed person because he/she loved me unconditionally. When that person is dead and gone, I would miss his love for me.

            (A Christian, on the other hand, knows that God lives in him and that he/she is the image of the living and loving God. God’s love for us far exceeds that of any other person’s love. Hence Christians go to God during times of bereavement, for only God satisfies the yearning of our souls.)

WE BECOME A PART OF THE EARTH THAT GIVES RISE TO NEW LIFE

            The comforting atheist continues to console the suffering theist, “I know that we continue to exist through the earth…As part of this huge reservoir of terrestrial carbon, we die and become part of the earth, which gives rise to new life, as it once gave rise to us. That is also very powerful to me in a more collective, worldly sense.”⁴

            When we die, our physical bodies decay; this is what this atheist refers to as becoming a part of the earth. But earth does not produce new life! Humans are born of humans. The earth, other than the fact that it provides a habitat for our existence, does not play any role in the birth of a baby. So this consolation is meaningless.

            (A Christian believes that upon death his body would decay but his soul would exist in the presence of God. The knowledge and the reminder that I and my loved ones would be living in God’s presence after death will be greatly encouraging and satisfying.)

AFTER DEATH, WE GO BACK INTO THE PRE-BIRTH PHASE⁵

            In other words, atheism believes that we cease to exist after death. If that were to be factual, this life is all that we have to make sense. But this life does not make any sense. I see evil thriving and evildoers prospering; justice seems to aid only the rich and the powerful. The evil in this world is depressing.

            There is no consolation in ceasing to exist, especially when atheism offers neither a solution nor justice for the prosperity of evil and the suffering of the good. Hence, the knowledge that evil would be unpunished and justice would never be rendered to the suffering people of this world, which is the entailment of atheism, greatly intensifies the depression.

            Non-existence is more painful to consider than existence. If you are offered an option between life and death would you not choose life over death? Anyone would choose life over death, if at all that option is offered to them. In other words, existence is exceedingly superior and greatly desirable than non-existence. If this be the case, how would non-existence console an atheist?

            Atheism has no proof that we cease to exist after death – let’s not even go near the validity of the “Near Death Experiences!” Atheism’s primary proof is that there is no news from the other side of life; hence atheism considers an impossibility of life after death. Silence from the other side of life does not necessarily mean a lack of proof. Hence the belief that we do not exist after death is based on conjecture predicated on pure flights of atheistic fantasy.

            (Christianity relies on the objective truth of the Bible and believes that God would annihilate the Satan and punish the evildoers thereby serving justice. Moreover, the knowledge of the fact that a perfect heaven (sans evil) awaits a Christian is good enough to forget the perils of evil in this world.)

WE'RE PART OF A MULTIVERSE AND MAY EXIST IN SEVERAL UNIVERSES SIMULTANEOUSLY

            The comforting atheist says that we could continue to exist in other universes, since we are a part of multiverse. Atheism rejects Christianity for the lack of satisfactory evidence. But atheism does not offer satisfactory evidence of a multiverse or humans’ existence in the multiverse to anyone, let alone an atheist, while asserting that we are a part of a multiverse and may exist in several universes.

            Cosmologist George F. R. Ellis, virtually known as an eminent cosmologist who knows more about cosmology than any single living person, strongly debunks the idea of multiverse.⁶

            Speaking at the conference to debate whether string theory is science, theoretical physicist David Gross asserted that multiverse is not even a potentially testable theory, “…Much more troubling, he says, are concepts such as the multiverse because the other universes that it postulates probably cannot be observed from our own, even in principle.”⁷

            On one hand, atheism demands satisfactory evidence for the presence of God, but on the other hand, atheism believes in a concept that is bankrupt of evidence. Therefore, atheism contradicts itself, for any consolation predicated on our existence in the multiverse is meaningless.

            (Christianity offers greater evidence for its veracity than atheism or even the multiverse theory. Death to a Christian is the gateway to heaven or an eternal life with God. The belief that we would live when we die is a stunning consolation to anyone in death bed or in pain, “Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies…” (John 11: 25, NASB, Emphasis Mine).)

ATHEISTS LOOK TO PEOPLE FOR COMFORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT

            Both the atheist and the theist have people to comfort them. But people cannot satisfy the longings of our soul. Our intangible soul longs for enduring comfort and answers when we are in pain.

            While in pain, loneliness adds greater pain if there is no proper comforting mechanism. When I am lonely, only a perpetual source of comfort would save me.

            There are moments of acute loneliness in our lives. I could be alone while in company of people or when am in my vehicle or when am in my bed (there may be a spouse or a child by my side, but I still am alone when I am in bed and pondering over my pain and problem at hand.)  But by rejecting God, the atheist deprives himself of the source of perennial comfort and encouragement.

            (The Holy Spirit is the perennial comforter of Christians (John 14:16). A Christian, when he prays to God, is comforted mightily by the presence and the power of the Holy Spirit. Therefore the soul of a Christian who remains in Christ will be at peace and will yearn for God more than people.)

CONCLUSION

            Meaning to life ought to be discovered and not invented. The sovereign and transcendent God, who creates and sustains, can alone offer credible meaning to life.

            When atheists reject God, they bankrupt themselves of the overarching meaning to life and begin a series of fictitious inventions of comfort that are utterly hopeless. When one loses sense of the real meaning of life and death, there remains only emptiness harshly revealed through vain and empty words of apparent consolation that is devoid of any sense or true meaning to console a person in pain.

            Can the atheist comfort those in pain? They surely can utter words that they think would bring comfort to the others. But do those words offer comfort? No, not by any chance!

            Does Christianity offer true comfort? Yes!

            Those who go to God would be comforted. True comfort is found in God alone, for the Lord Jesus said, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11: 28, NASB)

Endnotes:

Websites cited were last accessed on 3^rd November 2016.

¹We are not considering depression linked to medical problems.

²http://www.huffingtonpost.in/entry/atheists-death_b_4134439

³Ibid.

⁴http://www.huffingtonpost.in/entry/atheists-death_b_4134439

⁵http://www.huffingtonpost.in/entry/atheists-death_b_4134439

⁶https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/does-the-multiverse-really-exist1/

&

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-the-multiverse-may-be-the-most-dangerous-idea-in-physics/

⁷https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-string-theory-science/